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[07 Aug 2010|07:55pm]

There are 2 Showgirls sequels coming out! Finally! It's about time Hollywood! It's just like they've been reading my journal! Just to clarify, I'm talking about this one. I don't keep a diary or anything. That's what 13 year old girls do. They write about how much they like sparkly vampires who ride on Lisa Frank ponies and eat cupcakes.

Also, if somebody has been reading this and decided to make a Showgirls movie because they realized what a good idea it was, I want money. And my name in the credits. And I want to visit the set on the day when there's the most nudity. Y'know. Gonna just go ahead and to that anyways. Just a shame they couldn't get Jessie Spano back. 
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[02 Mar 2010|12:24am]
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[28 Jun 2009|11:46pm]
Wow. It's a really bad time to be a celebrity.

First you've got the kung-fu guy. And then the big check guy. And then the king of pop. (Seriously, who didn't have the Thriller album and that jacket? Except when he went y'know...crazy. All because of that Pepsi commercial catching his hair on fire. See kids, this is why you don't play with fire! Then you go crazy.)  And even Farrah Fawcett? Come on! She was hot! She shouldn't be allowed to die! That pin-up was responsible for a lot of masturbation. Much of it came from me. Can't believe she died of cancer. Hope the Six Million  Dollar Man gets himself checked out for that. I had to get a check up after that one girl I knew had it.  Forgot her name again.

If anything happens to either Fred Dryer or Burt Reynolds (I still need to watch Hooper!) I am going to assume that it's a sign of the coming apocalypse. Because either it's all gonna end or the zombie celebrities are gonna rise from the ground. In which case I need  to build a zombie shelter. So...gonna possibly get some hookers. Maybe. And look into building a zombie shelter. We'll see how things go.

(OOC: I would like to offer my condolences to the families of these celebrities if for whatever reason they wander upon this journal entry. I mean no offense and I hope you're all doing alright. May they rest in peace! It's truly tragic to have to go through a loved one's death. And I certainly do hope nothing bad happens to Fred Dryer or Burt Reynolds. I hope we're all done for now.)

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[13 May 2009|12:16am]

This. Is the greatest commercial in existence. Fred Dryer and hot twins? It's like a dream come true. And they caught it all on tape! (And don't even bother to tell me that it's old. I know that. But I couldn't really get Youtube to work in space. Plus it's too fantastic not to share.)

Oh yeah! I'm supposed to finally go in to get this damn halo off! Which I'm pretty glad about. It's been nothing but a pain in the ass. It'll be nice to be able to actually move. Being restricted to like three positions gets old after a while. We're talking within five minutes. I still have to get a collar even though I've had this on forever. So it's not going to be the same as before. A lot better than having a hunky piece of metal attached to my skull though. Just gonna have to avoid any "complications." Which...not really sure what those would be. Gonna have to check and see if there's a manual on it. Or something on the net.
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[15 Mar 2009|04:18pm]
Hey douche! Glad the second amendment protects your right to shoot me in the foot! Doctor told me to stay off of it for a little bit, so I've been on bed-rest. It hurts. Really bad. Pretty sure there were some tendons shot. So probably won't be doing anything physical within the next few weeks. Kind of not in the mood to play games. Catching up on some good old TV watching though. Thank God for TIVO. It's like one of the greatest inventions ever known to man. I should be able to get the halo off soon. Had it on long enough. That'll be one less injury to put up with. But I guess the other part of that story is that I'm no longer in space. So there's that. Oh! And there are space hookers. Just gotta look for them in space hooker-y places! They're fantastic.

Also, if anybody sees Ashley, tell her she is needed back at Crews Industries. And that she doesn't have any more vacation time. 

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Xander's in space. [28 Jan 2009|03:53am]
I bet you're all wondering why I haven't updated this journal in a really really long time. ...It's complicated. Long-Ass Story In HereCollapse )
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[17 Dec 2008|02:09am]
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[14 Nov 2008|02:21am]
Well this is fantastic. The election caught me off-guard. I did not see that one coming. So yeah...guess I'm out of a...well whatever the hell Stan is. A bitch? I don't know. I guess that's my technical term right now. 'Cause he pretty much had to do whatever I made him do. Except when he'd yell at me.

So now I'm gonna have to look for a solution to this problem. Or hire somebody else. Not really sure.

Until then, I'm taking suggestions for the company. Feel free to just throw some new ideas this way and I'll try to write it down on paper. Except my crayon is flat now, so now I have to make Ashley get me new crayons. Or the box with the sharpener. Or scented markers.
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Because this year just keeps getting better! [07 Oct 2008|10:47pm]

Good news and bad news. Good news, my crazy-ass ex didn't have the baby! Which means no child support! (Even though that wasn't really my fault and I shouldn't have had to pay child support.) And plus, guess I don't have to go on Maury either. And now the bad news, my
crazy-ass ex is now even crazier. So...that's great.

Looking into some legal stuff now, y'know, like restraining orders. Also probably gonna need a restraining order for anybody who associates with her too. Because I've already seen how much control that amazing tits have over people this year.

Also looking extra security measures. Gonna probably send Wendell out there to do some stuff but I really don't know how well that will work. Because honestly, he's not too reliable.

I just have one last thing to say. If anything happens to me at any point, I want somebody to write a movie about my life. And it better be kick-ass. Like preferably Oscar-winning. And not a porno 'Cause I already did that. It was called Crews Patrol. And I haven't decided who should get the lead role but you better not cast David Arquette as me. Because I will come back and haunt you.
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The "Wine Rack" [23 Sep 2008|02:54am]
So, 10 years ago...or something; Stan told me I needed to come up with more ideas. Well, he told me that last year too. But that doesn't apply to this story. Mostly 'cause he liked to bitch about some stupid crap about how I was going to put us all out of business and I'm pissing on my parent's legacy. (Which, kind of a low-blow. Considering how they're dead and all. It hurts a little.)   I don't know exactly what he said, I was tuning him out.

Anyways, I came up with an idea. I was like, why don't we combine alcohol and boobs?  Because who doesn't like those two things? And I don't mean in the Hooters sense. Even though that was a good idea. I meant in the literal "let's make a bra that can hold alcoholic beverages" sense. I mean, think of it! It's pretty much the most amazing thing ever! He then proceeded to shoot the idea down and told me it was probably about as stupid as Crystal Pepsi. Despite the fact that it's my company. And that was the end of that.

So I was looking things up today since I've got nothing better to do and I come across this.

THANKS A LOT STAN. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY! YOU TOTALLY LOST ME AN ASSLOAD OF MONEY! PROBABLY BILLIONS OF DOLLARS! AND THE BEST ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN EVER! (Can you imagine the ads for that thing? I'd get paid just to find hot chicks and have somebody take pictures of them in their bras! Not that I can't anyways, but still. Any opportunity is a good one!)

Goddammit. He better not come back around here, 'cause I will make him eat a wholesale sized bag of dog food to make this up to me.

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[01 Sep 2008|12:30am]

I've been watching a lot of TV lately. A lot. Even more now that some moron here broke my DVD player. So, thanks for that Wendell. ...Fantastic. And I noticed that E! keeps airing Showgirls, so I finally broke down and watched it again because it's really not that bad when you don't pay attention to the dialog.

And I have to say this, what the hell E!? What's the point in even putting Showgirls on if you're going to censor it? Do you think anybody's really watching that movie for anything other than the tits? God, it's like their programming department is run by idiots. Actually. Pretty sure it is.

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Well this is crap. [28 Jul 2008|03:25am]
Bet everybody was wondering where I was.

Yeah, I was kind of in a hospital. And it smelled, really really bad in there. Plus I had to put up with the guy in the bed next to me coughing all night. And if that wasn't bad enough he left the TV on when he fell asleep. I heard E! News like 4 times. Did you know that Kim Kardashian likes one of the Jonas Brothers and wants to bang him? Nope. I didn't either. Actually, who the hell even are the Jonas Brothers? Is that some sort of Bible thing?

Finally paid the nurse to get me a private room after a few days. But yeah; I'd been having neck and back problems for a while I thought maybe it would just go away on it's own. Maybe from going at it too hard. Massage. Working out. Bad pillow. I don't know. Growing Pains. (But not the show with Kirk Cameron. That'd actually be pretty sweet.) Well it didn't go away, so I finally went in. Turns out it happened a while back when Killface got all PMSy about not being allowed in the election and decided to hit me in the face because he's a dumbass; that he actually fractured my c3 and c4 vertebrates. Or something. So. Yeah. Thanks for that. Idiot.

And now I've got to wear a goddamn halo. And I better not catch anybody looking at it, 'cause I swear they'll be dead. I'm not in the mood to put up with this. I'd hit them with my crutches but then I kind of can't stand up.

If anybody has any good movies or shows to watch, I'll be here for a while. Doing physical therapy.  Damn it.

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[22 Jun 2008|10:03pm]
I decided to go to some local car show today. Y'know, spur of the moment kind of thing. 'Cause I like cars, I mean, who doesn't? Besides, I figured maybe there's a nice one I can buy or something. And then it turns out to be just a bunch of old guys who look like they're heading to a Jimmy Buffet concert! Sure, I enjoy looking at the cars, but you'd think they could do better than just that! It was just like going to the parking lot of a senior citizen center and standing there while they ramble on about their car.

I wasn't expecting it to be like one of those huge professional shows with all the new cars they're producing, but  I can have a better car show on my own. I've got like 50 of them. Maybe throw in a fog machine or something. Or a laser light show. Those are usually pretty entertaining. And then I'll just make Ashley get some chips and a keg and hire some hot chicks to stand by the cars. That's how you have a car show! In fact maybe I'll just do that instead of making pie charts or whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to do.
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Best Public Service Announcement Ever? [05 Jun 2008|07:44pm]
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Who's loving your mama? I am. [13 May 2008|02:40am]
I've got  a late mother's day post here. Not like it's a holiday I can celebrate or anything. So you know...not really first on my list of priorities.

But man, they sure collected some of the hottest MILFs out there. The lyrics aren't bad either. Totally takes the "Your Mom" jokes to a whole new level. Plus that's probably like the only perk to being a teacher. 'Cause you totally know what goes on during parent-teacher conferences. And if it doesn't, it should. That should just be a law.
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WHAT THE HELL! [02 May 2008|12:31am]
I'm not just to be used as your "gay butt buddy" at will. If I wanted to do that I'd be like Sarah Jessica Parker and get a damn blown-up doll made! (A creepy one too. Is anybody else frightened of that thing? Needs to be used as a scarecrow.) Plus I can get tons of women anyways! Those movies I made...kind of misleading. Who would've thought a video with a 'Head of the Class' theme would be gay? Not me. Otherwise I wouldn't have been there.  Same goes for all the other sitcom related pornos. There were women in the shows! Not the point though. What's done is done.

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[02 Apr 2008|05:12pm]
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[16 Mar 2008|02:13am]
So, you may all be wondering why I don't care about that DVD everybody is talking about. Well you see, Xander Crews is fairly open when it comes to sex! And when I say sex, I mean things I like to masturbate to! And you know, with a chronic masturbator like myself, that's a lot of things! We're talking a total of 7 or 8 times a day. So you know, since I get that taken care of during the day, that leaves time to dream about other crap. Like the kick-ass stuff I'm gonna buy with all my cash! Kakow!

And also because, well, I've been involved in porn before. You know, some of it that I'm not very proud of 'cause I was sort of going through a rough time and livin' in a big, old refrigerator box. We're talking really low budget porn. Some of those tapes didn't even have any cover art! And then there was also some that I also did back in the day for no logical reason. Including the pizza delivery guy video. And you know, I'm keeping those all on the shelves at Cockbuster and Net-dicks. Or whatever they're called. Also for an unlogical reason that I will never be able to explain.

But I would totally purchase it for myself if I could figure out how to get this Ebay thing to work. Not even because I want to see any of those stupid dreams. I could care less about that. No! I'd but it just because I have the money to do it.
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Boring Meeting [10 Feb 2008|05:37pm]
Why yes, I did just spend an entire meeting playing a game called 'Butt Scan.' And I'm on the high score list. KAKOW!

Man, why didn't anybody tell me about this internet thing sooner? I thought it was only in movies like "The Matrix". And now I can ignore people and be praised for scanning some guy's butt on a copy machine? This is amazing. Now what else can I find on here before Stan's done talking.
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Ha Ha! Suckers! [07 Feb 2008|12:37am]
So, I hear you all missed the Super Bowl?

Well that sucks for you! Because I went and scrounged up some tickets in the parking lot before the game. I paid some guy $50,000 for his and his kids tickets. His kid was crying about it the whole time. And I was like "Kid, you can go to the Super Bowl another time in your life. Which will probably never happen 'cause tickets are hard to get and you're not a billionaire like me."

And you know why I went? 'Cause Fred Dryer started out with the Giants! Kakow! Even if I'm not running for President, I can still start a product line or something with him. I mean, he's Fred Dryer! The people in the stands were being complete idiots and they didn't even think he'd played for the team. They were like "Fred Dryer? Isn't that Hunter." Well, glad to see that's the only thing people remember him as. Everybody but me. Also, big disappointment in the fact that he never came. So, way to tell me he was going to come. Asshole! And also, disappointment in the fact that people apparently don't know about his NFL career at all.

The half-time show sucked too. I mean, Tom Petty, really? Why couldn't they have had a hot chick? There were no wardrobe malfunctions at all! They should have had Madonna or something! But I got pretty trashed by that point, so I don't even know who won. I also don't know why I woke up with paint all over me...once again.

...Who won?
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